“My ex and I want to agree on child arrangements without going to court, but we’re not getting anywhere. Every time we sit down and try to have a productive conversation, we end up arguing and shouting at each other. What can we do?”
So: despite your best efforts, your relationship has irretrievably broken down, and it’s time to separate.
You both wish to avoid the stress and expense of going to court. You might even have agreed on financial arrangements and the division of assets without too much difficulty.
However, when it comes to who the children will live with and how often you’ll get to see them, suddenly all hell breaks loose, and it seems like coming to a mutual decision will be impossible.
We’ve worked with many parents who are separating, and child arrangements are typically the most emotionally challenging and contentious issues to resolve.
Even ex-partners with a good working relationship can suffer a breakdown in communication when it comes to child matters.
The good news is that your continued attempts to try and agree child arrangements collaboratively is a positive sign of your willingness to cooperate, even if you have not been able to get there yet.
We’ve helped many parents like you overcome conversational stumbling blocks and make decisions together about how you will raise your children after separation.
A third point of view
Seeking independent legal advice is a good way not only to understand the legal process, but also to get an objective view of the situation.
An objective view is important, because children are the most important parts of parents’ lives, and so it is inevitable that emotions can run high.
Being aware of your emotions can help you to take a step back and resist the urge to punish your ex, which is likely to lead to more conflict and a worse outcome for all involved.
A good way of managing your emotions during your separation is to view it as a fresh start and to prioritise steps that will help you begin your new life positively.
Mediation
If you are struggling to agree on certain points with your ex-partner, it may be helpful to consider mediation.
Mediation can help achieve clear communication throughout the separation process by involving a neutral party in discussions.
The mediator cannot give legal advice, but they will listen to both points of view without taking sides, attempt to create a calm atmosphere where you can reach a mutual agreement, and suggest practical steps to help you agree on important matters.
A trained family mediator will always keep the best interests of the children in mind and collaborate with both of you to find the best possible solution.
You may be able to get a free voucher worth up to £500 for mediation through the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme. Visit the Government website to check whether you may be eligible.
Principled Negotiations
Another option for separated parents that we find many of our clients don’t know about is Principled Negotiations.
Principled Negotiations aim to create a workable relationship between separated parents in the interest of children or financial arrangements.
The focus is on working together to achieve the best possible outcome for the children, rather than focusing on a competitive approach.
This shift in mindset can make a big difference to the outcome of a negotiation.
Arbitration
Sometimes, it is not possible to reach an agreement via mediation or collaborative law.
In these circumstances, we recommend trying arbitration.
An arbitrator acts as an independent judge to find the best solution for both parents, without the need to take matters to court.
This can be a highly effective way of resolving disputes when other methods have not succeeded.
Protecting your children
As you separate from your partner, you might have to accept that you may never agree on some issues.
Seeking help from a neutral third-party doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Indeed, it shows courage and strength to admit that you need some extra support to help you make decisions together.
The guidance of a trained mediator or legal expert can help you establish a workable co-parenting relationship with your ex-partner, with agreements on communication and dispute resolution in place to help you manage and prevent conflict down the line.
At Hethertons, we know that sensitive and constructive approach to family problems is usually beneficial to all concerned.
We will help you to make arrangements outside of court wherever possible, enabling you to embark on your new co-parenting life with respect and dignity.
Struggling to make decisions on child arrangements with your ex? Contact our Family Law team today for compassionate advice and guidance.
